I was looking back on the postings I have done on this website over its nearly two years of existence. Since Ava has been born, my postings with written content have gone diminished. I post nearly as regularly, but now my posts are far more likely to be just photos or a video with fewer multi-paragraph entries.
Before she was born, people told me that children "math" was different than normal math. 1 child plus one more did not equal to double the work. It was more like 3x or 4x the effort, and I agree. The obvious reason is that previously Shannon and I could do "handoffs" with one taking Jacob while the other does something else, like taking an hour or so to write out a blog post. With two now to care for, that type of exchange is much harder to pull off. We have two good kids and neither have a special disability to require special care. Regardless, parenting of two children is a emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually demanding job.
I suppose I am required as a good parent to give the obligatory "but I love my kids" statement. It of course is true. They are a blessing of joy to my life and fulfill a deep need in my heart to be a father and provider. How could life be as satisfying without them? No, I am aware of that, but I am honest with myself that joyful and satisfying do not always equate fun or enjoyable. I still say the most pleasurable time in my life as a whole was after I married Shannon but before we had children. In this period I had the type of person I yearned for my whole life, but still had time and energy to devote to personal self-fulfillment. Emotionally, it a best of both worlds scenario. Madly in love with your best friend but one who did not demand all time and energy of your life.
Contrasting my current life situation with that of my most selfishly memorable time, it is too easy and short-sighted to say my frustrations are due to rearing children. That is not true. What generally frustrates me the most as a parent of two young children are not the parenting actions themselves which are demanded, like getting up with them at night or cleaning up after them, but the other activities which I enjoy and previously did often, especially at my choosing and convenience but are now supplanted by the demands and needs of my children. Reading, writing, quiet contemplation, movies and other little joys get crowded out or at least require far more focused effort to keep now that we have two incessantly demanding children. I sheepishly confess, the habits of the main spiritual disciplines of prayer and Bible study diminished once my first child was born and are still at lower levels than compared with my Single and Couplehood days. Then, it was fairly easy to carve out 30 minutes or so a day for these activities. Now, it requires far more, well, discipline.
Ironically, it was now as a parent when I need the most spiritual muscle. Challenging child rearing, lack of personal fulfillment, insufficient spiritual workouts. All those forces working together made it ripe for me to often lose my joy and hope as a parent. In some unfortunately too dramatic and too common moments, I would utter to myself, "Just 18 more years" or "In 2026, it will get better." It is kind of funny thinking back how I would get so worked up, but I think any honest parent would relate. Gosh, you get stretches where the joy and hope do get stripped away. You tell yourself that parenting is the most important job you can do and you remind yourself of how truly great your kids are, but for me at least, it was not enough. I needed something more.
Several years ago, a wise friend told me that marriage was a spiritual discipline. That is, it is something which trains us to be more Christ-like. Shortly into my marriage, which has been wonderful from the beginning and throughout, I realized that was true. The sacrifice and self-denial needed to make a marriage work are actions which mold the spirit, mind and body to make someone more resemble Christ. However, for me, marriage is a minor discipline compared to the discipline of parenting. I don't want this to come across too dramatic or harsh, but it is a like where you are daily poured out like a sacrifice for your children. Few things are more Christ-building.
For me, that is the saving grace of fatherhood. At this stage with my children, I get cute smiles and cute sayings and cute moments, but those are out numbered by the challenges and self-denials that are presented daily. I knew going into fatherhood that I would be focused on building Godly children and the fruit of my labor would often not be seen for many years. That hope was, is and will always be a motivating factor. Yet, what I have found to be a quite powerful source of focus, encouragement and energy is accepting and recognizing that being a father is one of the best things I can do as an earnest follower of Christ. The discipline of it, and what is at the heart of this grace of hope, is not to simply go through the motions of parenting overwhelmed with emotions of regret, anger, frustration or, even happiness in the fun parts of having kids. Instead, it is renewing your mind and tilling your heart to make room for Christ to abide in you as you do these tasks.
We are all works in progress, and I am certainly not there yet. I too often fall short of this and fail Paul's 2nd Corinthians 6:1 warning that "as God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain." But more and more, I am not doing it in vain but soaking it up deeply as a co-laborer of Christ, and that is exciting. To be a co-laborer with Christ means for us to look to work with him in our life to carry out his mission of love and grace and make this earthly kingdom his. This makes parenting both my chief spiritual discipline and my chief kingdom work for which you ultimately do spiritual disciplines in the first place. Kind of a best of both worlds scenario. I guess that does make this a pretty pleasurable time in life after all.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
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