True Story

When I was a kid, I would dump out all my GI Joe characters on the bed or floor and create a Summer movie blockbuster with them and my imagination. Really. Not just bad guys fighting good guys. But I would set up a spy/traitor in the midst of one group. They would have internal conflicts with conflicting agendas. I would give hero and villian characters soliloquies where they express their inner motivations. I can't remember the details of the story, but I do remember I would generally repeat the same basic story over and over except varying it at different points. Improvements to the narrative. However, each iteration would slightly change the story, finding new twists my imagination would consider an enhancement. Over time, the original story would change considerably. (Except for never including the female GI Joe characters like Scarlett. I was too sexist as a 4th grader to have them messing up my story.)

I would always reach the end and prepare to have the final battle. And then I would stop. I would clean up my toys and go play something else. I never wanted to have the final battle because it would mark the end of my over the top story. And once I reached the end, I would have to make a new story. Even though my story changed over time, I considered it My Story. Not changed but improved. Not different but fresh.

Some people like making new stories, new starts, new adventures.  Other people like keeping the status quo and reliving it daily.  I am somewhere in the middle. I like to refine my imagination to keep improving an idea over and over, but I generally stay with my same core beliefs and feelings. I no longer play with GI Joes, but I do think of ideas and beliefs and play them through in my mind. Whether it is an idea for church or an analysis of a college basketball game or new business idea. There is merit in this. Never settling and looking to find better ways. Even when the idea is not feasible at this time, the activity of thinking through the process or concept can be worthwhile.

But I still struggle with closing the story. My ideas rumble over and over in my mind like a dryer tumbling the clothes, but I never, or rarely, put my ideas out there to see how they fit in the real world. My mind provides a sanctuary where the thoughts and feelings are safe to enjoyed but never to potentially fail. As child, I held off the dramatic conclusion because I liked reliving the same struggle and challenges of my imaginary characters over and over. No problem for someone with a $2/week allowance and a 9:30 bed time. But as adult, I have found this same pattern in my life but with greater consequences. Ideas are wonderful but until they are carried out or acted upon they are ineffective. In keeping them to myself, I am missing out on some possibly rewarding experiences.

In reflection, I believe this reveals an aspect of my personality which is afraid of failure. By putting ideas out there, they are tested against the cold, revealing reality. And reality always shows ideas for what they are worth. I might have to admit my precious work is not precious at all. But while there is a danger in putting ideas into works, there is a great potential for reward. To see ideas expressed, beliefs acted upon or feelings exposed fills them with life, and life can bless and enrich beyond what any dream can do. So my choice is this: does the reward of a life giving action outweight the risk of a failed dream?

This is where this blog comes in. A very open forum to put forward my hopes, dreams and ambitions. Not that necessarily any one other than my wife, family and a friend or two will see this, but you don't know. Regardless, here they will be laid bear. Here they will be tested.

Prior to publishing this post, I did a re-read and found my initial post a little on the dramatic side. Not suprising coming from the same boy who produced Michael Bay-like epics with plastic men on his bed with the Cincinnati Bengals sheets. I have taken risks and put myself out there. I am not vicariously living only through my unventured thoughts. I am proud of my life and my accomplishments. But I do know what thoughts exist only in my mind, and I believe some of them are quite good. Why haven't I shared them? This removes the barrier of means as writing is probably my best method for communicating. If nothing else, I will enjoy the experience. Snake-eyes, Hawk, Sgt. Slaughter, Destro and the rest of the Joes would be proud.