They were high school sweethearts who were born just six days apart in Evansville, Indiana. She was the oldest daughter of a family of 8. He was the drummer in a band, and her parents did not approve of him dating their daughter. The were married at 18 and had their 2 kids not too long after that. They lived in the same house almost their entire marriage, the one with the single, small bathroom which everyone fought over. They were loud and not shy about telling the other what they thought but quick to forgive and make-up. They were not strong Christians when they married but quickly learned that Christ was essential for making their family worked. As other friends left their church for different reasons they were faithful, every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Monday night visitation and Wednesday service and choir practice. Theirs was a great love story.
The video below is of Jacob's first Christmas at their house. Erik, Carrie and his 3 boys were there as well. Looking at it now, it seems like a lifetime ago but also a very recent memory. A doubt arose in my mind for the briefest of moments that they are not really gone. I can still recall their presence and spirit of the room when they were in it. Almost like I have just gone too long without talking with them. But the doubt faded quickly and I was reminded that I won't see them on this side of Eternity.
Their void in our lives has been very deep and very dark. Now that I lived this year, this year with where my beloved wife has cried and hurt so much, I have no illusions about what a trial really is. I have heard sermons preached on the value of trials, repeating Paul's words that we exult in our trials because they bring about perseverance, and perseverance brings about proven character and proven character brings hope in the love of God and this hope does not disappoint. In those sermons, I nodded piously at the wisdom in this statement. I nodded because this seemed so simple, like a formula for peace. I was completely ignorant of what a trial truly was and what life was like for those who actually experience pain beyond the tedious, daily frustrations we tend to call trials.
I now understand a trial is not a starting point for 4 part plan to praise God and being holy. I now understand a trial, a true trial, is a conundrum in which you feel completely lost and without direction or without a clue as to how to alliviate the gross pain that consumes you. I understand a trial makes you question what you believe about yourself, life and God. I understand a trial makes you want to go numb or escape because nothing seems to be as good as it use to be.
I now understand Paul was not casually giving us a little something to ponder but throwing us a life line because you are drowning in pain. His words are not to be spoke with a light air about them but in a voice like we would use to tell a person who fell off a building not to let go of the ledge because help is on the way. Just hold on a little longer! You don't have to do anything fancy, just hold on the best you can! If you can just keep your grip, you can make it! You can do it! The longer you hold on, the stronger you will become! You are not getting weaker, you are getting stronger! You can make it! He is coming! Don't lose hope; He is going to rescue you! And when He comes, and pulls you up, you will love Him even more than you did before because He has saved you! Just hang on!
That is of course all you can do. There are some good council on dealing with grief, and I believe we need to be active in our grieving, but you also just have to make it through and hang on to life the best you can. And it typically is not pretty or graceful.
Driving to Evansville the day after their death, Shannon got a beep on her cell phone indicating a voice mail. Cell phone voice mails tend to be a little flaky, but this was extreme. In this case, she was just getting a voice mail that was left over 2 weeks earlier. It was from Mom. She called to sing Happy Anniversary on May 25, her tradition of singing to us on our birthdays or anniversary. The voice mail captures both her love of her daughter and the joy in her life. When Shannon listened to it, she of course cried, but she also felt joy because she got an unexpected gift from Someone to help her hold on.
Mom signing Happy Anniversary
Yes, we all talk about it and nod our heads with understanding. The 12th chapter of Job speaks eloquently to this matter. Specifically Job says in verse 5 that, "Men at ease have contempt for misfortune". This can mean that men don't want to look on misfortune or, as in that day, blame the misfortune on the affected person, with the belief of that day that some behavior on their part brought misfortune down on them from God. To me it also means that when we read, hear, or see misfortune in others' lives we mouth all the appropriate words and then go back to our comfortable lives because we are at ease and can't truly feel their pain. Even if we genuinely try with sincere earnestness to feel what they feel, it just can't register. It truly is fortunate that we don't have the capability to internalize others' hurts, as it would inundate our souls and destroy us to feel that much pain. Only when misfortune slams us in the pit of the stomach and leaves us "gasping for the air of understanding", do we truly feel that kind of pain or know what a trial is.
ReplyDeleteThere aren't words that can humanly be offered to comfort and soothe. Job tells this to his "friends", but he also states that wisdom is found among the aged and understanding comes with long life. So while we can't take away pain for those in trial, God's promise is that time does bring a measure of wisdom and understanding. The neccessity is for us to "hang on", until the day arrives that this understanding allows us to smile again and feel the joy of life, a joy that is there all the time, except we can't see it through our tears and won't see it until the tears dry.
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